“…and you are…?” as a method of learning about another person? 

I mention it because, as an introductory communication, I feel it lacks a sense of collegiality or even cordiality, which characteristics can lend a measure of grace to the simplest of interactions.  Perhaps those who use this aggressive quasi-question aren’t interested in relationship building.  Fair enough.  But cordiality as a by-product of even the most pedestrian of exchanges isn’t a bad thing, and it could even lead to good things. A smile, maybe?  I guarantee there aren’t any smiles forming in my responses to “…and you are…?”

How hard is it to form a question that is a complete sentence and doesn’t sound like an attack?

“Could you tell me your name, please?”

And it is likely that the answer to such a query will be what the person is seeking, and not the answers that come to my mind:

“…and I am?”…..annoyed, not interested in telling you, wondering why you can’t ask a real question, tired of waiting.

 Those are the polite ones.

So how about the rest of you?  …and you feel…..?

There are many things that are challenging about learning a language.  A big challenge is the gap between printed language and spoken language.  The good news for audio learners is that the spoken language is probably more useful since we are more likely to be listening to folks than reading notes from them.  So we would do well to learn what people actually say rather than what the words and tidy sentences in our books tell us.  There are, of course, instructional programs that use this very method.

So, as I listen, incomprehending, to someone recite the sentences in the very lesson I have just memorized, my mind wanders.  It has not much else to do, after all, since I have no idea what’s being said.  It wanders from the sounds of this lovely, new language that I don’t understand, to the sounds of English, which I mostly do understand, and I think about what happens when words step off the page and through our mouths into the fiesta of conversation. 

 It’s a wonder anyone understands anyone else.  Consider:

 “Jeet yet?”

 “No, joo?”

 Now picture the hapless English language learner peering at these sentences in his book:

 “Did you eat yet?”

 “No, did you?”

 I guess there isn’t much to be done about this state of affairs.  I’m just sayin’……

In one of my language classes the students and I chuckled at a cartoon showing a large pile of trash next to which was a sign that read “Fine for Dumping.”

‘Fine’ isn’t the only word in our wonderfully rich and confusing language that has multiple and unrelated meanings, and the two meanings suggested above are not the only ones attributed to it.  We have lots of words with which to express ourselves and most of us are using only a dollop of our individual lexicons; now and then we propel ourselves into a Vocabulary Improvement project from which we emerge, at best, with one or two words that we might actually use.  After a few days of trying to fit the new words into old habits we’re back with ‘awesome’ and ‘great’.

In keeping with the sense of seeking simplicity that is invading my world these days, I’ve noticed in some of my reading the use of basic, no frills, plain language with basic, no frills, plain words. A Hemingway-esque writing style, yes?  And I’m liking some of these clean, crisp words.

‘Fine’ is one of them. Here are just a few of the meanings that my American Heritage Dictionary attributes to it:

-      Of superior quality, skill, or appearance;

-      Most enjoyable; pleasant; 

-      Subtle or precise;

-      Of refined manners, elegant;

-      Having no clouds; clear.

How bright and cheery are these definitions!  How lovely to be fine! How rarely do we hear these ‘fines’ in action!

Nowhere in the dictionary is offered the ‘fines’ we most often hear:

-      “I don’t care” as in “You don’t want to come to my party? Fine!”

Or:

-      “Barely acceptable” as in “His ideas were fine, I guess…”

Can this word be saved? Let’s bring ‘fine’ out of the gloom, polish it off a bit and let it be pleasant and elegant – and refined.

The reward?  A fine presentation.

Not trying?  There should be a fine.

Today is the widely accepted anniversary of the birth of William Shakespeare, who, if he were here listening to us today, might mutter to himself, “He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.”

Many times I hear myself and other common folk prattling away and I wonder if the watch of wit will ever strike, and sometimes I hear a phrase that makes me wish that reading Shakespeare was compulsory for every speaker every day. 

Here is the most recent:

“It was a shock to be fired; usually I’m on the other side of that shoe.”

Happy Birthday, Will.

Fifteen minutes into the body conditioning class at the gym, a woman entered and worked her way to the front of the group.  She asked my friend, puffing away next to me, to move over.  My friend glanced at the woman and at all the available space in the room and said no, she wanted this place and didn’t want to move.

As any of you gym rats probably know, “moving over” isn’t just a matter of a lateral step in time to the beat.  “Moving over” involves a step platform and at least 2 steps, a floor mat, three sets of weights, a body bar, and a towel and a bottle of water.  (And again: fifteen minutes into the workout, and lots of available space.)  Besides, we were in front of the mirror.  A good place.

The woman offered arguments in favor of her demands, speaking louder and louder in order to be heard over THE MUSIC.  My friend smiled, shook her head, sorry-no.

“YOU’RE A REAL BITCH!”  the woman screamed.  Screamed.

Twenty pairs of eyes snapped to attention and before twenty hearts could draw a breath our trainer flew into the fray.  Our trainer is a very large man who looks like he could play for the Jets if he tired of hanging around with us.  Gigantic Jesse and the latecomer screamed at each other; someone ran out of the room and called security; my friend and I exchanged glances, and meanwhile the twenty of us are now on about the 95th rep of bicep curls and squats, eyes round as 5 lb weights, lifting and lurching, all to the beat of “Rumour Has It.”  Energizing!

As quickly as it began it ended. Security came, she left, and without missing a beat, Jesse guided us into leg lifts. 

After class the group seemed to divide into 2 general opinions:

“Good for you for not giving in!” and “Would it hurt to move over a little and prevent all that drama?”  Those in the second group shared their opinions more quietly than those in the first group.

Every confrontation has supporting conditions for one side or the other but I was surprised that in this situation anyone would have supported acquiescence, given how disruptive it would have been, and how unnecessary it was.  On the other hand, assertive behavior used to be rare; more often than not the person in my friend’s position would have grudgingly made the move.  And maybe accidentally dropped a 3 pound weight on the foot of the interloper. 

Telling this story later I was applauding calm, assertive behavior and generalizing to a greater acceptance of honoring ourselves and what we want, when it isn’t harmful to others. But my companion suggested that perhaps what is being more greatly accepted is  hostility and insularity and loss of collegiality. And besides, look what happens!

Yikes.  Work it out….or not.

“I get people in here all the time complaining about the drama and stress and back-biting that goes on.  I think people spend more time being angry and upset than they do on their jobs.”

The Supervisor:

“What difference does it make how you give information or requests? It doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it.  The work has to get done anyway. This is a workplace, not a social club.”

The Team Leader;

“I don’t expect them to like each other, just to be civil.”

The Team Member:

“The way my boss speaks to me affects the way I feel all day.”

The Front Line Employee:

“They’re so worried about how we talk to customers.  They should start with how they talk to ME.”

The Customer:

Do you know this workplace?

As I was leaving a client’s office after a meeting, he asked if I had a document that he’d apparently just made up.  While digging back into my snapped, zipped, and stuffed bag, aware of taking up time in silent air space, I heard myself say, “I’m so disorganized, who knows what’s in here.”

Horrors!

And untrue!  I am, in fact, organized to the point of obsession, and disorganized is not a trait that I’d like my clients to associate with me.  So what was that about?

In this case it was mostly about making noise to fill up space.  The choice to demean myself may have been an effort to placate the toe-tapping client by offering him a moment of feeling superior while he had to wait for me.  But again: what’s that about?!  I’ll take a hit because you have to wait a minute? In fact, I’ll administer the hit myself!  Oh dear.

 If we think of one person’s impression of another as a mix of positive and negative perceptions, we don’t want to be offering negatives.   Maybe in the above situation we can’t think of a positive response (“Of course I have it!  I like to be prepared for anything, good girl scout that I am!”), but something neutral is preferable to bashing ourselves.

Then I thought of other ways we broadcast our shortcomings:

- “Oh you know me. I can’t do anything with math!”

- “Don’t ask me~ I’m a terrible speller.”

- “Yes, I finally got something right.”

- “It must be simple if I could do it.”

- “If there’s a way to get out of it, I’ll find it.”

- “Thanks, but they make my ankles look fat.”

Comments like these are endless.  I’m sure you’re thinking of a few that you’ve tossed out. For some people, it seems like a default communication style.  When asked about this behavior, these self-flagellating folks say:

- Everyone knows I’m kidding!

- They know the real me.

- We aren’t supposed to talk about ourselves.

- People will think I’m stuck up.

- Everyone does that.

Women seem to be especially guilty of this, which may reflect some early girly teaching.  So, what’s wrong with voicing these self-putdowns?  Maybe nothing is wrong, depending on how you want others to see you, but the You that others see is not only what you do and how you look and how you manage your world, and what shoes you wear, but what you tell them about yourself.  Even if they don’t think “Wow, is she stupid about math.” They might think “Wow, is she stupid to SAY she is stupid about math.” Or “Wow, is she down on herself.”

Or none of these.  But somewhere there is a blink that flashes “Negative.” Why invite this?  You’re the one who can control your image and in simplest terms, here are the choices:

Negative

Neutral

Positive

Many of us will not be preceded in our daily peregrinations (frontier word alert!) by a herald with a trumpet, so the job of promoting our fine selves falls to us. We have to toot our own horns. 

How we do this has a lot to do with words and communication, so try this:

Listen to yourself and notice any self put-downs that creep from your lips;

Stop saying them;

Make a list of the characteristics you’d like others to think you have;

Think of ways you can mention those characteristics.

At the very least, remember the Mom advice: If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything.

If you aren’t ready to pick up your horn, at least put down the whip.

Toot on!

This is one of our popular courses. I think many people want this course because they are uncomfortable setting boundaries or asking for what they want, or saying what makes them crazy.  Much of the focus in the course is on learning to be assertive.   In the workplace, where everyone has some wacky behavior to offer, it’s good to know some congenial ways to encourage civility and reduce insanity.  And these aren’t skills that come easily to everyone, particularly if the difficult person is an extreme case. Hence, the popularity of this course.

Since the common workplace is an open ward into which may come anyone who meets the work requirements, one is likely to find people whom one would not seek or even tolerate in one’s personal life.  In a way the difficult person at work is manageable because one can address the issue within a professional framework, perhaps minimize interactions, and when voicing complaints not have to worry about maintaining a social relationship.

But the occasional Difficult Person also enters one’s personal life. This may be a relative, a friend, a neighbor- anyone with whom you have frequent or regular interactions – who brings with them a personality trait or a behavior or a habit that you find difficult to deal with.

Examples:

-      The Not Subtle Nosy Guy- this one asks personal questions, and since his status is family or close friend, he feels he is allowed to ask and more importantly, that you are obliged to answer.  Privacy isn’t his concern so the interrogation can take place anywhere, and reference to the shared info can be made at any time. “Hey Sue, come meet Walter- he’s single!”

 -      The Know Everything Person – the goal of this person is to  know more than you do, and to have the final word on everything.  He cites studies that support his opinions, which he offers as facts, and his tone of voice makes it clear that other ideas have no merit. The most dangerous aspect of this person is his ability to pull you into an argument, in which you will never prevail, because his choices are:  I Win, or This isn’t Worth Discussing.  And he likes to win.

 -      The No Decision-Maker- this personwallows in waffling and can hold up any activity with inaction. Frequently, after demanding that you decide, small complaints are made about your choice.  This person almost never makes a definitive statement.

These don’t sound so bad, right?  But the people who have them in their lives are weary and annoyed and when they talk about them in class they say that workplace assertiveness techniques seem out of place with family members or friends.  So what to do?

Good communication tells us to say what we want and what we mean in ways that protect ourselves and don’t injure the other person.

Good sense tells us not to go forth with critiques of our colleagues lest we find ourselves without any, and besides- do you want them to tell you to stop being so damned cheerful, and to maybe stop announcing the calorie count of everything?

Everyone has quirks, and a wise friend suggests that after we give ourselves the talk that includes being thankful for fam and friends, allowing some space when necessary, and accepting the bitter with the sweet, we might turn our critical eye to ourselves and scan for difficulties.

In the face of any (unlikely) defects, what would we want to happen?  Would we welcome pointers from our posse, or would we hope that they are better than we are at Dealing with Difficult People?

When asked her opinion of a proposal, Nanette could have offered any of the following responses:

“I sort of think we really need more time, I mean, don’t you?”

“I think we really need more time.

“I think we need more time.”

“We need more time.”

Nanette might have selected the first waffling word salad if her main purpose was not to annoy anyone.  She might have selected the last statement if she knew what she thought and believed that her actual opinion was being sought.  The middle two are variations on the extremes and express gradual waffle-shedding

There is nothing wrong with any of these responses, if they serve the purpose and intent of the speaker, and if they are choices that the speaker is making.  There are times when we might want to sound indecisive, accepting, collegial, or indifferent.  Indeed, there are times when that’s how we feel.  But sometimes a speaker is feeling the strength of the last statement above, but allows a dribbling of the qualifiers that reduce power.  Habit is a pretty strong influence on speaking behavior, and is discouraging of choice.

Some speakers, without thinking, always offer opinion-ettes wrapped in qualifiers.  Some listeners find this tiresome.  And some speakers, without thinking, always hand down decisions without qualification.  Some listeners find this terrifying.

Many speakers hope that they can discern the message and intent of the speaker from what is said, qualified or not.

Choice!  It’s a wonderful thing.

Courtesy: Myspace.com/booksbymarycunnigham

Evangeline is describing to her friend, Honoria, a situation in which  her boss caused her some distress.  Evangeline tells the story in hopes of examining her relationship with her boss, figuring out how she feels, and to consider some ways to react. Doing so with a friend is calling on one of the duties of a friend, right?

Honoria hears the story, and says, “Oh, that’s upsetting.  One of my assistants got into a situation like that…….”

What follows is a story about Honoria’s assistant, which story involves a lot of detail and background about all the characters, presumably because a brief summary would not be meaningful without in-depth knowledge. Honoria ends with a wrap-up sentence that connects her story to Evangeline’s:  “So, I understand that this is a difficult situation.”

If someone were to accuse Honoria of not being a helpful friend, or of wanting to talk about herself, or of dragging out a story in which Evangeline couldn’t possibly be interested- of hogging the spotlight, in fact- Honoria would probably be surprised.  She would deny these accusations and she would explain that she was demonstrating her empathy by reporting  a similar experience.

Here’s what Evangeline might say:

-      Just tell me that you know of a similar experience. Period.

-      I don’t care about these people;

-      I get it that I’m not the only person to have had a problem;

-      I’m happy to talk about you and your assistant some time, but right now- this is my turn.

Talking about ourselves is so intuitive and compelling that it requires a very big effort to ignore the voice that says “Tell her the story about whatshisface!”  It is especially hard when you think that the whatshisface story is going to be helpful.  And to be fair, these stories, and we all have them, often are helpful.  But when you’re telling a support story, you only get so much time on stage, because the main story belongs to the speaker.  If you can’t get your support story out in a few brush strokes, it belongs in another scene.

Another reason stories are offered is because we don’t know what to say, or how to “help”.  Well, here’s some good news.  Until your speaker asks for your opinion, you don’t have to have one.  You can just help her stagger through the telling, giving the noises that confirm your attention, and the attention that confirms your acceptance.

Being present for the other person sounds like a really hard thing to do, but in fact it just requires you to get off the stage for a while and give over to being a receptive audience.

Like a friend, right?